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Friday, September 14, 2012

How to Get Men to Approach You - Don't Look Unapproachable

If you are wondering how to get men to approach you, if you never seem to get the conversations that other women get, it might be because you appear unapproachable.

I am going to imagine a situation. I am going to take myself back a dozen years to the time when I was single and actively dating. I step into the time machine, close my eyes, and, just like that, here I am, younger, better looking, and much more naïve.

Now I am going to bring you into the picture. I am going to assume that you are the type of girl that I tended to like at first glance. I liked girls who had a bit of friendly mischief in their eyes. I also liked girls who dressed more to the modest side than the provocative side.

I myself was not out for one night stands, but I was not exactly looking for someone to hold hands and drink milkshakes with either. I was edgy and played the field. I wasn't out to get caught. I was also capable, however, as time has shown, of becoming an extremely devoted husband and father.

I might have been the type of guy you were hoping to meet. For the sake of this article, let's assume that I was.

We are both at a local club. I have in mind the one where I spent the most time trying to meet women. Now you get your favorite one in mind, the place you go to most frequently when you are hoping to meet the man of your dreams.

I am drinking a beer. What are you drinking? Something fruity or with a bit of fizz maybe? Or maybe you're drinking a beer, too. That would catch my eye.

Now we notice each other. I like what I see, and you like what you see. We are at that crucial moment that happens over and over again in thousands of locations all over the land. It happened probably hundreds of times to me before I met the girl I finally married. How many times has it happened to you?

It's the moment when a man and a woman who have never met are occupying one anothers thoughts, wondering if the fleeting eye contact will even lead to the word "Hi". Unfortunately it usually doesn't.
The minutes are ticking by. We are glancing at each other, then looking away.

Then, after 15 minutes of this, I strike up a conversation with a girl standing nearby. You roll your eyes, shrug your shoulders, and start looking around again.

What just happened? To put it briefly, you looked unapproachable. This is what happens in almost every situation when initial eye contact leads to nothing. The woman appears unapproachable.

Let's add some details. I was standing near the bar with a friend. As I was glancing over at you, I was also talking to him.

You were sitting at a table with four friends. Your friends were dressed less modestly than you but wore expressions that screamed, "Not interested." Their expressions rubbed off on you, and even when I gave you a bit of a smile, you brushed your hair away from your face and looked away.

There was no way I was going over there.

We men appear mysterious, but we aren't that hard to understand. The first thing to know about us is that we protect our egos at all costs. We serve our egos as knights serve their king and will do everything in our power to keep them out of danger.

Sound ridiculous? We can't help it. At the time, I was not thinking about this rationally. What I am telling you now comes in retrospect. I did not understand how my motivations worked when I was single, nor does the man that you will one day marry.

But the truth is, without fully understanding it in most cases, men would much rather approach a woman who looks safe, even one who is less attractive to them, than risk rejection, embarrassment, and humiliation. Remember, the ego comes first.

There were three things that kept me from approaching you. You were sitting down. You were with a group. And you wore an arrogant expression, or at least one that I interpreted as arrogant.

I ended up talking to a girl who was standing up near me, who was with one friend, and who smiled at me and gave me a look reassuring me that King Ego wouldn't be dashed to pieces if I went up to her and said, "Hi." She wasn't really my type. You were. But it was the male mindset that dictated the proceedings.

Girls who are sitting down are notorious among guys for being impossible to approach. It's body language that we read immediately. You look like a queen holding court. Stand up. Meet us at least a fourth of the way.
Now let's think about that group of women from the guy's perspective. The group is intimidating. The guy senses that he has to impress all of you just to get the opportunity to talk to the one who has caught his eye. The odds are stacked way too high against him.

Groups also tend to give women a sense of invincibility, and it shows in their faces. The arrogant look is the real killer. Even if you had been standing up with just one or two friends, I would have stayed away unless I saw something in your expression letting me feel that you were safe to approach.

By the way, it's very easy to look arrogant. A lot of people, men and women alike, put on the tough look precisely because they're feeling vulnerable. Shyness and arrogance share expressions.

You can let the guy give you the first hint of a smile. We'll do that when we're interested. We have our expressions that we use to test the waters. I tried a safe one with you, if you remember. But you didn't give me any reassurance in return.

So the moment passed, and we never met. A shame perhaps? We'll never know.
Here is what I hope you take away from this imaginary tale. If you want men to approach you, unlearn the habits that make you look unapproachable.

David D. James gives advice to women who want to attract and marry a man for life. Speaking honestly and frankly from the man's point of view, David reveals the inner workings of the male mind and teaches how understanding men on their own terms is the path to obtaining a devoted, faithful, and fully committed husband.

Visit David's website at

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