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Wednesday, April 11, 2012

Every Time I Mention Getting Engaged, My Boyfriend Pulls Away From Me - Why?

No matter what, but yes men are scared of marriage.
Many women notice that right as their relationship is progressing to the point where they want to become engaged, this is the exact point where their boyfriend or significant other begins to pull away from them. Common comments are things like: "the better that things become for our relationship and the more the next step is becoming engaged, the more he begins to pull away from me." Or "the more I mention getting married or becoming engaged, the more uncomfortable he becomes." One final example is "the other day we were at the mall and I stopped at a jewelry storefront to look at engagements rings. All of a sudden, my boyfriend went pale. And since that day, he has been pulling away from me. Why?" I will try to address these concerns in the following article.

There are many reasons that men will begin to pull away the second that becoming engaged or marriage begins to be discussed. I will discuss some of them below.

Like Many Men, Feeling Pressured Or Manipulated Makes His Anxiety Soar: Men hate to feel manipulated. They hate to feel as if the things you say or the actions you take are not genuine, but are instead meant to illicit some response or are designed solely to get you what they want on your own time frame regardless of how they might feel about the same. And this is a huge let down for them. It erodes away at the trust. Because more than anything, they want to feel as if you love them for them. Not because that they will put a ring on your finger or respond to your bag of tricks like a puppy trying to obtain a pat on the belly. I don't mean to come on too strong or to sound crash. But I hear from a lot of men in this situation and this is what they tell me.

And suddenly, they start to question you. They start to wonder if you are being so sweet, loving and accommodating because you really love them and enjoy being with them or if everything is designed to get that ring on your finger. I am not defending their assumptions. I am just trying to give you an idea of how they might feel and how this might contribute to their pulling away.

He Might Be Responding To Negative Societal Perceptions About Marriage: To me, this reason for a man pulling away if the most frustrating because it has nothing to do with you and isn't your fault. But there's a cultural myth or perception of marriage that says as soon as a man commits or "settles down" then life as he knows it is truly over. The perception is that he settled for less than he deserves because he doesn't have a back bone or he can't stand up to female pressure.

Some men have friends or family members that help to drive this point home. It doesn't help if he has a bunch of single or immature male friends who aren't supportive. But for some men, they are just reflecting on or buying into those negative messages that society sends to all of us about marriage. The way for you to deal with this is to try to keep things playful and light hearted in your relationship. Eventually, he will see that you don't intend to fit him with a ball and chain. You only want to be with him because you love him.

He May Have Some Reservations About The Relationship That You Can Overcome: Finally, some men pull back because deep down, they have some reservations about the relationship. These reservations might seem small when you are not engaged or committed, but he might worry that they will become larger once you are married. Examples are things like different religions, different world views or cultures, reservations from his close family members, or an inability to solve a particular problem that is important to him. These are common issues, but his may be very specific to him. The thing is, all of these things can be over come if you are patient and show him that they are not as big of a detriment as he might thing or that they can be worked through.

His Pulling Away Doesn't Mean He Doesn't Love You Or Doesn't Want To Be With You: Many women believe that if he pulls away that this means that he doesn't love them enough or that he doesn't think they are "the one." This certainly isn't always the case. Sometimes he is just as upset about this as you are because he knows that you are the one, but he also worries that he is not quite ready yet or needs to work through something first.

Frankly, the best thing that you can do is to show him that you love him for him and that you love him enough to back off on the pressure. This alone will alleviate some of his fears. And your patience will also mean quite a bit and will show him that you aren't just all about the ring.

As you can hopefully tell, I do not think his reluctance to commit necessarily means he doesn't love you. But in order to get what you want without it hurting your relationship, you need to set it up so that he becomes ready on bis own authentic time but is also very excited about committing. If you want tips and advice on how to make him commit quite willingly and think it was his own idea, check out my free blog at

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