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Saturday, January 28, 2012

Making Your Relationships Work




Last night I cried tears of joy with a client I had worked with through her long search for the perfect mate. As she and I agreed, there is no such thing but something very close. She felt so moved that she had finally gotten her wounds from the past out of the way, so that she could find and receive this kind of love.
She knew that she wanted more than her family said was possible. Yet she had dated so many partners who were unable to give love or were failing at being responsible in life. She felt like she had dated them all by the time that she came to me for counseling. We took the focus off the guys and had her look at what was stopping her inside. She had not received a lot of love in her family and that is what she kept attracting to her since this was familiar. She needed to open up, recognize this, and then we could start some healing.
Her dating continued to be with imperfect matches, but she was getting closer. Finally she found the man of her dreams. They still work on the little stuff (the infrequent irritable reply etc.) that happens in day to day life. They don't let that little stuff pile up under the rug though. One of them says that they are sorry. She now feels self confident that they can work at it being good. I feel a wedding in the future, but they are taking their time to make sure that it is right.
We all grow up having many experiences that are good for us and some that have hurt us. Maybe we had a jealous older sister, or a nasty kid in the neighborhood, or maybe a stepdad or step mom who really didn't nurture us. Maybe your family taught you that you can't have your dreams come true. Maybe you had good years at school and yet an infrequent trauma. Life holds it all.

We then start dating and maybe limit our prospects. "Well I couldn't have that." "Would they love me if they knew everything about me?" Yes they can. No one is perfect. We are all a work in progress throughout a lifetime. What is important is that we are willing to grow.
Rumi, a 13th Century Poet once wrote:
"Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it"
I work with people who have not married yet and I work with people who are already married. If you can find all the barriers (ie. fear, limitation, anger, self doubt, etc.) and work on healing them, you can find that great prospect of a mate or make your marriage what you always hoped that it could be. It is so clear to me and I hope it is becoming clearer to you.
Kathy Infeld, psychotherapist, mediator, coach, author and successfully married woman for over 37 years has devised her prescription for creating the happy, sensual and loving marriage you have always wanted. Her "Five C's To A Successful Marriage" are: Commitment, Communication, Conflict, Cherish, and Communion of Spirit. In her book, Creating Love For A Lifetime - The Five C's To A Successful Marriage, Kathy describes these principles in detail, and illustrates how the many couples who have used these principles revitalize their love. On her blog, in her private practice, and her book, Kathy gives partners the tools, many couple examples, couples exercises and the inspiration to create a successful and joyous relationship. http://www.kathyinfeld.com


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